Broken
by Lia Tsuka
Summary: Raven tries to escape, from her life through drugs but when everything becomes to much just how far will she go and who will be there to save her.This is rated M for adult themes. SladeRaven pairing. don't .like don't read COMPLETED. please read and revi
1. Chapter 1

Yes I know i am supposed to be writing more chapters for my on-going story** A New Azarath** (Well more precisely the little voices are) But During one of my many sleepless nights (Damn voices) This fic was formed in my head and i had to write it down.

**Disclaimer:I do not own the Teen Titans or Mariah Carey**

This fic includes the song **Close my eyes by Mariah Carey**

**The Poem called I'm sorry is mine, i wrote it for the fic.**

**If i have got the effects of the drug Liquid ecstasy wrong please let me know. **

**This fic does not condone nor condemn drugs, it merely shows the effects, feelings and the psychological reasoing behind it from the addict's (Raven's) point of view and the feelings of an onlooker(Slade). What people choose to do is up to them and them alone.**

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Broken**

**I was wayward child  
With the weight of the world  
That I held deep inside  
Life was a winding road  
And I learned many things  
Little ones shouldn't know  
**  
She sat huddled over the toilet bowl, retching the contents of her stomach,.As she stood up she swayed violently, her head lost in a sea of colours She managed to find a grip on the sink and slowly regained her balance.This was always the worst part, she reflected,Coming down from a high, then she laughed silently, no, the worst part was the craving, the _need_ for the release from reality.The _need_ to escape from the unrelenting torture of her miserable existence.The _need _to free herself of her memories and problems if only for a few minutes.

Yes, the worst part was _needing_.

Sometimes she didn't even know why she bothered, Why she continued to live,what the point of it all was, she was nothing, a nobody,She was alone.She always had been and always will be.

As she stared at her reflection, she wondered when her life had become so pointless and full of meaningless crap.She ached all over. Her hair was matted and greasy,her eyes were lifeless and where once cold indifference was ,there now was nothing.. Her ribs poked through her tank top and her body was abused beyond repair.Her mind broken and her heart and soul gone,she was an empty shell..She looked down at her arms they were covered with scars from the countless needles she had used.That was why she always kept her arms covered,not now though, not as she she traced the newest scar that was only 10 minutes old,the memory of the high she had hit still present.

She remembered the first time she had tried it,she was 14 and living on the streets.She was barely getting by, stripping and prostituting for money she so desperately needed.She was already anorexic when one of her clients introduced it to her,it had provided the freedom from life and it's cruelties.Something that she longed for.She became addicted,striving for temporary comfort in her lonely world.Sometimes she would go without food for days, all her money being spent on her addiction.She had started on Pot, then Cannabis, Cocaine and LSD came next and finally Liquid Ecstasy.She had been an addict for 4 years now and had become a full blown junkie,just like her mother.She had nothing, no-one ,she was unloved and it hurt.

She sank down onto the bathroom tiles,her head was still spinnig and her body was jerking uncontrrolably, her muscles numb and spasms running through her.She breathed slowly and calmly and gradually the after-effects of her _high_ wore off.She stood up and made her way to her her bed and lay down,curling up in a ball.As she drifted into sleep, all the fears she kept at bay throogh her addictiction, began their nightly torment.

Somewhere at around one she woke up sweaating and panting.Several of her books flew off her shelves as she desperately tried to caalm her emotions.She had had another nightmare.They were getting worse,she thought, getting up and heading over to the bathroom.She spent the whole night clearing up the mess.She was to scared to go to sleep,afraid of what she would find.

**But I closed my eyes  
Steadied my feet on the ground  
Raised my head to the sky  
And though time's rolled by  
Still feel like that child  
As I look at the monn  
Maybe I grew up  
A little too soon **

Funny how one can learn  
To grow numb to the madness  
And block it away  
I left the worst unsaid  
Let it all dissipate  
And I try to forget

As the sunlight streamed through her window, she sat hugging her knees,the needle filled with release and freedom was before her, but she was trying to fight it.Last night she had decided to take control of her life and so she sat there,trying to ignore the cravings,trying to believe that she **was** loved,that she** was** cared for, that she **could **change.With great strength of will she managed to stand up and walk to the door.she knew that she couldn't resist it forever,she was too far gone, but she could get help.

As she reached Robin's door she became nervous.What would he think,what would he say, but she pushed the thoughts away and knocked on his door.

He opened his door and Raven was surprised to see him in full uniform.She realisd he must've been working on Slade again.

"What is it Raven?" Robin asked groggily with a touch of anger in his voice..

But before she could answer he interrupted her

"Look i'm sure this can wait till later" He said before shutting the door on her.She sighed dejectedly and decided to try Beastboy, who was sleeping in the living room with Cyborg, they had been up all night having their usual movie marathon, but when she finally woke them up they began yelling about not enough sleep and asking her to leave before falling into a deep slumber again..She was close to crying now but decided to try Starfire as she knocked on the door, she prayed the foreign alien would at least take the time to listen to her.but her hopes were dashed when a cheery Starfire answered and said that they would talk later since she was feeding silkie at which point she shut the door.

Raven had tears running down her face, lamps began flickering, as furniture crashed into the walls. She teleported to her room and saw the Liquid Ecstasy on the floor, she walked towards it trying desperately to hold on to the the last remnants of her fragmented mind. She didn't use it but ashamedly put it in her pocket, her tears still falling and her chest heaving with sobs.And she flew, not caring where because in her broken mind some twisted logic told her that if she kept going she could run from her problem, her addiction.And so it was in this state she landed in Jump City whereshe ran her uncontrollable powers ripping up everything in sight.

She was running through the alleyways and backstreets in the roughest part of the city, she didn't know where she was, what she was doing,the last parts of her sanity had left her and she collapsed on the street her vision blurring. She reached in her pocket and pulled out the needle. In her other pocket was a note which she had written weeks before, she had been walking the fine line between the living and the dead foe 4 years and the nights events had pushed her over the edge.With her entire being broken she shoved the needle into her arm and fell into sweet nothingness, the darkness enveloping her as her eyes glazed over, her hand still clutching the note.

**But I closed my eyes  
Steadied my feet on the ground  
Raised my head to the sky  
And though time's rolled by  
Still feel like that child  
As I look at the monn  
Maybe I grew up  
A little too soon  
**

Many people passed the alley, none caring to send a glance to the fallen girl. To them she was just another one of the poor unfortunates living in the dilapidated ruins of the poor part of the city.But then a man in his late twenties spotted her, he had Natural white hair an crystal blue eyes(this is what he looks like in the comics.) _Raven_ he thought worriedly as he bent to pick her up and phoned an ambulance.

In the hospital the man was sitting by her side and was re-reading the note again: and again it tore his heart.

_My soul cries silently, in a broken body,_

_Behind my blank expression,_

_A tortured mind yearns for the comfort_

_Of a needle._

_No-one hears my pleas for help,_

_But no-one ever has or will_

_The love i seek so desperately _

_I will never have or know_

_My entire being strives for release_

_From the prison that is my life,_

_And only through death can I_

_Truly be free_

_No-one hears my pleas for help_

_No-one ever has or will_

_The love i seek so desperately ,_

_I will never have or know._

_This is the end.I tried_

_I'm sorry _

He had no idea this was what she was going through, he had put her through hell over and over again, not caring. But that was a lie he reflected bitterly, he had cared he just denied it, the feeling had slowly been growing, that was why he'd helped her defeat her father, he could have had it all and he'd thrown it away because he loved her,he had begun living a decent honest life just because he loved her. Him, Slade, Ben Wilson loved the girl sitting before him.

Ben crumpled the note and threw it in the bin by Raven's bed, he looked at her small, petite body, to him she had always been so strong, no matter what happened she never seemed to let it get to her. He remembered the things Trigon said he did to her when she was a child, things that made Ben sick to his stomach and yet Raven pulled theough and managed to carry on as if her childhood never happened,But looking at her now so vulnerable and weak he knew that even though she never showed it, she was hurting inside and that hurt him more than anything else ever had.

He looked at the scars that covered her arms, the doctors had said that the oldest one dated back to four years ago, before the titans even existed. She had other scars on her stomach and back which the doctors informed him were the result of someone burning her and stabbing her repeatedly.Ben knew where those had come from, but it wasn't the physical scars Ben was worried about it was the emotional ones,it had been 3 hours now and she hadn't woken up, the doctors were worried that her near-fatal overdose could cause brain damge.Ben hung his head in his hands not noticing Ravens eyes fluttering open.

**Nearing the edge  
Obvious I almost  
Fell right over  
A part of me  
Will never be quite able  
To feel stable  
That woman-child falling inside  
Was on the verge of fading  
Thankfully I  
Woke up in time **

Guardian angel I  
Sail away on an ocean  
With you by my side  
Orange clouds roll by  
They burn into your image  
And you're still alive  
(You're always alive)

Raven waited for her eyes to adjust to the light before sitting up and shaking the man next to her.Ben looked up to see Raven sitting up in bed looking at him confusedly, before she asked

"Where am I?"

"In the hospital ?"Ben replied, smiling slightly, but Raven just looked more confused than before.

"Umm why?" She asked her brows furrowed in concentration.

"You don't remember ?" Ben asked his voice filled with concern and wory, how could she not remember.At that moment the doctor treating her walked in to check up on Raven. He frowned as Ben explained that she didn't appear to remember anything.he walked over to her and began asking her a series of questions, such as her name and age to which she replied with an i don't know.After he finished the doctor turned to Ben and said in a kind whisper so Raven wouldn't hear

"She has permanent amnesia, i suggest you explain to her who she is and what not since you seem to know her remarkably well, then i would advise you to move to a different city and send her to a drug rehabilitation centre."

Before Ben could aske why the doctor held up his hand and spoke again

"Many people contract amnesia after a traumatic event ., it is the minds natural defense against things which it does not want to know or remember. For her to start on drugs in the first place coupled with the scars on her stomach and back indicate a troubled life.What i am trying to say is that she must have a lot of bad memories associated with this city as the only things she remembers is lonliness, pain, emptiness and darkness, moving away would give her the chance to recover and get her life back on track, She will never regain her memories but in this case i think that would be a blessing."

Ben nodded and waited for the doctor to go out before resuming hi seat an saying gently.

"Your name is Raven Roth you are 18 and i brought you here after you overdosed on drugs,but we're going to get you help okay"

Raven nodded before saying

"okay,but can i change my name i don't like it very much"she thought a minute before smiling " i am going to change it to Hilary Rothschild"

Ben looked at her before smiling widely

"Sure thing" he said.He then noticed she was smiling as well and nothing was blowing up "hey Hilary say Azarath Metrion Zinthos " He asked

Hilary looked at him funny before saying the words but nothing happened. He realised that her mind must have blocked her powers as well he was more than a little glad at that she could now express emotions freely.

"Hey who are you by the way" Hilary asked expectantly

"My alias is Slade but my real name is Ben Wilson" he replied.

Hilary nodded and got out of bed, "Can we go now Ben ?" she asked walking towards the door.He nodded and with the doctors consent Hilary was discharged from the hospital.

" So where are we going now?"Hilary asked

"We ?" Ben asked surprised

"Yeah, unless you don't want" Hilary said a little disappointed.Ben grinned of course he wanted to

"L'A sound alright i know a guy over there who owes me a favor" he said hailing a cab.Hilary griinned and they set off towards the airport.

**But I closed my eyes  
Steadied my feet on the ground  
Raise my head to the sky  
And though time's rolls by  
Still feel like that child  
As I look at the monn  
Maybe I grew up  
A little too soon**

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
**

Please let me know what you think so review, review review review!


	2. epilogue

This is the second and final chapter of this fic.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans or any songs by coldplay**

This chapter contains the song** The scientist **by** Coldplay.**

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are **

I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart

Ben woke up to see his girlfriend of a year and wife of two months Hilary Wilson, kissing the tip of his nose.

"Time to get up Honey" She said, before moving to get up and get changed

"do i have to it's only 5 in the morning how can you be up this early ?" he moaned pleading with her as she headed off to the kitchen.

"I don't know why i just wake up at 5 every morning and you better get up mister because you have that book realease conference to go to and i have a special surprise for you" Hilary said as she stood in the doorway tapping her foot and glaring at him.

"If i have to " Ben conceeded, he always gave in, it was the unspoken law of marriage that when you wife gave _that _glare and tapped her foot _that_ way you did whatever she said without question, and he did every time, it wasn't personal it was a wife thing.Hilary smiled at his agreement and went off to make breakfast.

Ben pulled on a white short sleeved shirt and a pair of ripped jeans. He mussed up his naturally white hair and went into the kitchen to see his wife looking lovely as ever in a pale lavender short sleeved shirt, which was open reaveling a black strappy top that had the words:_ It's hard to soar like an eagle when your surrounded by turkeys._(AN I would like to thank my editor Barbara for that saying.) Her violet hair was in it's usual french plait with a few loose strands falling over her face and a pair of denim shorts.

He snuck up behid her and put his arms around her waist just as she was putting the waffles on the plate.

"What's the surprise then?" he whispered in Hilarys ear. Hilary spun round and put one of his hands on her stomach. Her face was filled with happiness as she said,

"We're gonna be parents,Ben" Ben was speechless for a few seconds before yelling at the top of his voice spinning her around

"I'm gonna be a dad!"

**Tell me your secrets  
Ask me your questions  
Oh, let's go back to the start **

Running in circles  
Coming up tails  
Heads are a science apart

It was 10 am at Titans tower and Robin had spent another sleepless night trying to find Raven. It had been 2 years ago when he went looking for her feeling guilty about turning her away and found her room completely destroyed with no trace of the dark mystic anywhere. He and the other titans had searched for weeks and they had found a lead at Jump Hospital who apparently treated a girl that fit Raven's description, and she had left the same day, with her boyfriend, but her name wasn't Raven. This puzzled Robin greatly because what other girl would have purple hair and eyes and since when did Raven have a boyfriend. Ther nurse had refused to give him the girls name and so he was back at square one the other titans had given up on finding her but Robin knew she was out there and he was going to find her.

Just then Bruce appeared on the visual intercom in the living room

"Robin i think i've found a lead on Raven" he said. Robin smiled Batman wasn't gothams greatest detective for nothing.

"What is it?" Robin asked eagerly.Bruce smiled and said

"turn on your tv to sky one" he said

Robin turned on the tv and put on Sky one and listened to the report.

"That was the the press conference for Ben Wilsons new book called **The Light Salvation**, the final book in the Villain series which has made the couple millionaires in the space of a year. The series revolves around a young man who is slowly consumed by darkness and becomes a cold calculating criminal, This new book is about the man being saved and brought into the light. Hilary Rothschild/Wilson is currently working towards a degree in Chinese herbalism and alternative medicines which she hopes to turn into a career. As the..."

Robin switched off after that. He was puzzled even more and faced batman

"What does that have to do with anything it was about some guys new book" he asked one eyebrow raised well as much as it can raise behind a mask.

"Think about it you said Ravens last name was Roth, the girl they mentioned, her name was Rothschild. Now think about the other guy who else do you know with the lat name wilson" Batman said sighing as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Slade" Robin growled, but then he thought about it. "isn't that a bit of a long shot"Bruce shrugged and said

"If you don't believe that look at this" he then held up an enlarged picture of Raven, true she was older and laughing but it was definitely Raven, "This is a recent photo of Hilary Rothschild."

**Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard **

Oh, take me back to the start

Hilary was in the kitchen making herself her third cup of herbal tea, she didn't know why but she really liked the bitter taste and sweet aroma of the hot drink.She had half an hour before she had to leave for class and she settled down to read Edgar Allan Poe.. Just then the doorbell rang, when she opened it she found the 4 of the strangest people there. The first was a boy with ebony hair who looked like a traffic light,the second was a guy who was green and had fangs, the third was a black boy who was part machine and the last was a girl who looked like she had a tan that had gone horribly wrong.the unnerving thing was that she was flying.She noticed the geen boy and the traffic light guy eyeing her up, wearing a white strapless top with a Raven on it and a short denim skirt didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

Hilary groaned before sayng to herself

"I haven't had enough tea this morning i'm hallucinating"

"Dear friend Raven we have found you and now we can celebrate your joyous return to the Teen Titans" Starfire said huuging Hilary so tightly she was turning blue.Hilary was slowly running out of air when a gorrila pried the girl called Starfire off her. The gorilla then proceeded to turn back into the green guy. Hilary looked at them with a raised eyebrow.

"Holy shit you guys are real aren't you" Hilary said looking at them with wide violet eyes. "umm look i don't know who you guys are but my name is Hilary not Raven, so i think you must have the wrong address."

Robin was confused, "why doesn't she recognise us" he thought then saying out loud

"We're the teen titans Raven, we're your friends Robin, Cyborg Beastboy ,Starfire" pointing to them each in turn.

"Well that would explain the traffic light outfit bird boy, but i don't know how we're friends and why your here of all places talking to me unless...Brittany, are you playing a sick joke on me coz if you are it's not funny" Hilary ranted checking to see if beastboys fangs were real.

"umm who is this person you speak of Friend Raven we wish to meet any newly aqquired friends"Starfire inquired

"Dude that was painful don't do it again, unless you want to you know get it on with the chick magnet then you can play with my teeth all you want" Beastboy said winking suggestively.At this Hilary cracked up laughing and clutching her sides gasping for breath,

"Me and ...and..y..y..you, as if" she managed to choke out, before managing to resume a calm expression though she was still giggling.

"Sorry i thought you were my friends playing a joke on me, Brittany still hasn't got over the fact that i managed to get britany Spears blasting out of the cd player in her locker last week, listening to Britney spears is tantamount to wearing pink fluffy accesories in her opinion, come to think of it that's my opinion as well "Beastboy sidled up to her before attempting to hit on her again

"Sure you don't want to go out with me sometime, i mean come on who could resist me" Hilary was a little pissed off now.

"I said no Boybeast or whatever your name is, i'm married and i wouldn't even if i weren't" She snapped. Robin was saddened by this but didn't show it.

"Your married " Beastboy spluttered, then became indignant "It's beastboy"

"Yeah" a male voice said,The titans remembered the voice all to well.

"Slade " Robin growled. Ben stepped forward and put his arms round Hilarys waist.She turned to look at him.

"friends of yours" she said.Ben replied softly kissing her head

"More... aqquaintences,"

"You and...h..him married"Robin choked out." i don't get it Raven he's the enemy, your a teen titan and our friend"Hilary was really pissed off now.

"Look i've been through hell the past two years, i have beaten a drug problem, bulimia and anorexia,and a constant stream of nightmares that stopped 4 months ago and through everything, through all that shit Ben's been there for me,giving me strength when i was at my weakest, giving constant love and support, hell i don't remember why i had them problems in the first place. But i don't know you, i've never seen you before ever and i don't have superpowers," She spat vehemently.

Robin was take aback by her anger.While Beastboy looked at her weirdly before whispering to Robin

"Your sure that's Rae i mean she's angry and laughing and joking around and nothings blowing up"Robin shrugged before replying.

"Maybe she can control her powers now."

"Yeah and who else has violet hair and eyes man" Cyborg whispered

"But she is acting most peculiar, does she not remember us friends." Starfire said tearing up

Hilaary didn't hear the whispered conversation she was talking softly with Ben.

"I was thinking Yolei Arella Rose for a girl and Seiya Yoh for a boy" She said her brows furrowed in concentration.

" I like them names why Arella though" Ben said a little surprised.Hilary thought a moment.

"I don't know it just feels right you know" she said. The Titans had stopped talking and Starfire said.

"What feels right Friend Raven" Starfire inquired. Hilary replied smiling hugging her stomach

"The name Yolei Arella Roth i think it's perfect for a girl"

"Dude like what girl" Beastboy said. Robin shook his head

"Forget it beastboy it doesn't matter " he said "Raven say Azarath Metrion Zinthos" Hilary looked puzzled but shrugged her shoulders and did so, but nothing happened.She then remembered Ben asking the same thing and he called her Raven.

"Hey Ben didn't you ask me that, and how do you guys know my other name" she asked

"So you know your called Raven and yet you use Hilary why?" Cyborg queried.

"I didn't like it Raven, it didn't fit me so i changed it and...and fuck, i'm late i'm so fucking late, Yolei's gonna be pissed, Damn." She kissed Bens cheek and was heading towards the car when Robin grabbed her arm in a desperate attempt for her to use her powers.

"Read my mind Raven" He said, focusing on something willing her to feel their bond.Instead of answering like Robin expected her to she sank down on the ground clutching her knees and began sobbing, when he tried to get close she became terror stricken and scrambled away, it was then the shaking and muttering began as her eyes became inexplicably dark.

"So cold, so dark, leave me alone, i am loved i am so hard want to stop so dark, please help they hate me they all hate me, someone please help it hurts it hurts so bad and i'm so lonely.Ben please help me." She was crying hard now and the titans were staring at her. Ben gave them a look of pure hate.

"You fucking idots, she was over these and then you come and do this, guess some things never change" he said quietly his voice hate and anger filled , he rushed over to the girl who instead of scrambling away as with Robin leaned into him as he embraced her gently rocking her.

"Hilary it's ok follow my voice your safe ok. your not alone anymore,i love you it's ok, ssh, i'm here. nothing can hurt.you" He said quietly in a soothing voice. her sobbings grew less as she clung on to his shirt.

"it was so dark, i w..wanted help..no-one there so alone" she choked out. slowly her eyes refocused as she looked at Ben."I thought i was over those, i d..don't wanna go back there again"she said her voice shaking with fear.

"I thiink you should skip lessons today, you won't go back there " Ben said picking her up bridal style. He walked into the house, motioning the titan to follow.They were still a bit apprehensive of Ben aka Slade but worry for their friend overcame that.

Ben placed Hilary in the double bed where she fell asleep almost instaantly. Meanwhile in the living room Beastboy was looking stricken as he said,

"Dude did he say he loved he, Slade the guy who's tried to kill us, maybe he's done something to her" Robin looked at him surprised.

"Yoiu know that was the most intelligent thing you've ever said BB it's a possibilty, she doesn't have her powers for some reason and her acting like that is odd,"

"Yes i do love her, no i haven't done anything to her her and you can call me Ben i gave up the villain stuff 2 years ago and besides it's my name" Ben's voice cut across the discusson .

"Please Sla..Ben what is wrong with friend Raven" Starfire asked wringing her hands. Ben pinched the bridge of his nose before saying,

"that's going to take a lot of explaining and i'm not sure where to start" Robin thought a moment before asking

"Well you can start by explaining why she acted like that before" Ben nodded.

"She has been having the..nightmares for 2 years now they started after she was discharged from the hospital, they are always the same, she starts to cry and gets agitated, it's like she's somewhere else and it frightens her immensely. She starts talking about the darkness and the coldness, and ..how everyone hates her and shuns her, then she starts shaking and says she wants the pain to stop, that she wants help, that it's so hard to stop, the first few times it took me two hours to get her to come back from wherever she'd gone. After them first few times when she had the nightmares she started calling out for me and gradually they lessened and a few months ago they stopped completely." he said trying to keep his voice level

"Okay but why did she have them?" Cyborg asked.

"When she was reminded of things before i found her in the alley" he replied his eyes downcast.

"What alley?" Robin asked frustrated. Ben sighed obviously not wanting to tell them

" I found Raven in an alley in the rough part of Jump City, she had..had.tried to commit suicide with an overdose of liquid ecstasy. I took her to the hospital immediately, that was where i saw her properly. She had loads of Scars up her arms the oldest one was four years old, the doctors informed me she had others which weren't self-inflicted, the doctors were shocked, the scars were from countless whiplashings and burnings as well as stab wounds,i know that from what Trigon told me when i was in his service, i won't repeat it since at the time it sickened me. Sh had bulimia and Anorexia, she'd even written a note. In short Raven had adrug addiction and two severe eating disorders.You heard when she said she wanted help and it was so hard, i think that sometime before i found her she wanted help dealing with her problems" He said fixing the titans with a soul searching gaze. Robin looked down at his hamds.

"She did " he whispered almost inaudibly then a little louder, "She came to my door at some godforsaken hour in the morning looking back i remeber she looked terrible like she hadn't got any sleep but before she sid anything i told her to go away.I..i didn't know.." Silent tears were running down his face.Then Beastboy spoke up guilt etched in his and cyborg's faces.

"She woke me and Cy up and began mumbling about a problem she had, and we...we just yelled at her to go away,..."He said as him and Cyborg leaned on one another for support as they sobbed.But Starfire was crying the hardest and could barely speak

"F...f...fri..end R..rav..en ask..ed m.m..me for h..h..he..help, s..she w..w..wa..was c..cry..crying and i told h..her t.tt.to l..l..leave" Starfire cried harder at this admission.Ben looked at them all loathing apparent on his features,

"Oh what wonderful friends she had.." He said sarcastically. But as he saw there grief stricken faces his face softened a little.

"How were we t...to k..know she always keeps things bottled up in..inside, never opened u..up to a..any of u..u..us" Robin half yelled as he didn't want Raven to wake up.

"I wonder why that was, what did you ask her about?" Ben ramrked Scathingly

"About her past what else" Beastboy said. tears running down his face though they were slowing.Ben looked thoughtful.

"that explains it.." he whispered to himself.

"Explains what?" Cyborg asked confused as he blew his nose.

"There was this really bad nightmare she had, about 2 months after we moved here, that was the worst one she ever had,it was the only one where she talked coherently, she talked about no one bothering to look past her powers and creepiness to see who she really was, that even though she may appear strong and calm outside, inside she was a scared little girl.What was the worst part was that she didn't hold you lot responsible for any of it, she told me how she constantly pshed everyone away, not because she wanted too but because she had to, she had given up all emotions and feelings, to protect the entire world, but all she wanted was someone who accepted her for that, who didn't ask her what her past was like, but asked her what her favourite flowrs were, not fear her and call her creepy and weird, but have an intelligent converstion with her. She talked about how she was always pushed into doing things she hated, and always told to lighten up and not be gloomy, how she felt you were constsntly trying to make her into something shes not.and she still didn't blame you guys, she said she should've at least tried to make an effort and then maybe they wouldn't hate her.The last thing she said was, that everyone thought that she was dark and creepy because of her demon heritage and that with Trigon gone she cold be free, but no one realised that she was dark and creepy because that was who she was, she would always have her demon side it was apart of her, it was where her powers came from, that was why she hated Terra so much she was everything that you tried to get her to be, she felt more ignored and lonely then than ever before, after Terra betrayed you she felt like you were trying to force her to be Terra. That was how Terra got her so angry, she said all that to her face. That was the last thing she said before falling asleep She never thought it was your fault any of it, she blamed herself, feeling she was unlovable. "Ben said sadly.

"And i suppose you know her favourite flower then, "Robin remarked sharply.

"Lilies, her favourite colour is black, she hates expensive meals and gentlemanly behaviour she thinks it's an inslt to women when guys open doors. she prefers simple things like midnight picnics or beach walking, she has Jasmine and rosemary tea every morning. She loves Edgar Allan Poe and Thomas Hardy,she wants to open a herbal shop for alternative medicine.massages,acupuncture, with a goth cafe,She has a liking for lavender incense and she loves waffles for some reason,She has a very strong aversion to tofu and attempts to throttle people who tell lame jokes, she also likes to meditate, and she loves evanescance, keane,and Bryan Adams. Her favourite film is Ever After." Ben replied smiling slightly.The titans looked at him astounded.

", how do you know all that?" Beastboy asked

"I asked her what her favourite flower was and what she liked to do,me and Hilary talk a lot " Ben replied.

"She never told any of us, but then again she does seem more open now." Cyborg mused

"She is, but she is still quite cold and sarastic, she only really opens up when you get to know her properly, and i'm guessing you never bothered"Ben said tersley.

" But still that does not explain to us why she does not remember" Starfire asked her tears drying up considerably.

"This will be hard for you to hear, but i think you should know,"Ben said sighing " When she woke up in the hospital after three hours in a coma, she had no memory of anything or anyone, she didn't even know why she was in the hospital in the first place, "

"But can't you get her memory back, with psychologists and stuff" Robin asked.frantically, thinking " No she can't have amnesia i never got to tell her..."

"I can't Robin, it's permanent she will never get her memory back, the only time she has memory of anything before waking up in hospital is through the nightmares and as you saw they weren't particularly pleasant." Ben said softly

"But she can't.. she can't have...why?" Robin said panic evident in his voice.

"Amnesia occurs when the persons mind blocks out anything thats causing harm to the prson in question, the more traumatic the memories,the more sever the amnesia.Hilarys mind as blocked out her entire life, because of the damage it had done to her, both physically and emotionally,even if i could get her memory back i wouldn't, her mind blocked them so she could have a happy life, i don't want to bring back memories which might cause her to revert back to drugs. If your wondering why she started on drugs in the first place it was to escape from everything, the eating disorders wee to make you like her better." Ben state simply.his clear blue eyes staring into Robins masked ones.

"We...i..we were such idiots" Robin remarked disgusted with himself.

"Yes you are, i can't believe you only realised that now," Ben said sharply.Just then the doorbell rang

**I was just guessing  
At numbers and figures  
Pulling your puzzles apart **

Questions of science  
Science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Hilary sat in her normal meditative pose on her bed and let her mind relax, she didn't know why she did this but it calmed her down a lot.She thought about the child she was carrying, and a goofy smile appeared as she thought "i'm gonna be a mummy" .She wondered whether it was a boy and girl, and knew it was a girl, suddenly voices cut across her train of thought.

"Hey everyone, congrats, to you both now i think it's time we celebrated,Indian sound alright"A male voice rang out in the hall. Hilary immediately rushed into the hall, her grin even wider at the site of the relatively small party of eleven Ben was in the hall laughing at something so she walked up to him and put her arm round his waist, his arm draped across her shoulders.

"Hey Hilary, we got Indian, popcorn, nachos, tons of coke and enough movies and music to keep us up through the night and beyond." A woman yelled exicetedly as she headed into the living room and dumped the food on the cofee table.

"Who're they?"She asked nodding towards the titans, Hilary shrugged her shoulders

"Some aqquaintances of Bens" She replied,

"Well we wouldn't mind being introduced" Beastboy said annoyed. Ben sighed and pointed to each titan in turn,

"The one in the very bright spandex over there is Robin, The green one is Beastboy, the part metal man is Cyborg, and the red head is Starfire."Hilary then introduced the eleven people to the titans

"Ok the Gangly ginger guy next to me is Gary, the african american is Kahlen her girlfriend is the purple haired girl, over there Brittany, Love the nose ring Brit, The married couple over there are the Lanes, Daria and Trent, who is in a band with the blonde haired guy over there whos name is Takeru, or T.k for short, the girl next to him is Yolei hs fiancee, who is Bens editor, the digimon next to them are Patamon and Hawkmon, tk and Yolei have recently been elected the rulers of the digimon world, and are currently involved in world talks about the digimon world ad it's preservation Yolei is also my best friend and is like my sister..The brunette is Yoh, who sleeps anywhere at anytime, the blonde next to him is his girlfriend Anna , Anna works with Yolei and is a spirit medium and Yohs in the same band as Trent and Takeru, the ghost next to him is Amidamaru Yoh's also Shaman King,the blonde over there with the odangos is Serena who is also Sailor Moon and princess of the moon kingdom, and will become Queen Neo Serenity, her husband is the raven haired guy next to her called Seiya, who is an inspiring artist.and is known as Sailor Star fighter and he is a woman in that form. " The titans were slightly awed that Hilary knew all these people mostly royalty, but they didn't show it.

"umm okay but why are they here?" Beastboy asked

"well duh we're here to throw a party in honour of 4 people who are gonna be parents, Tk andYolei and Hilary and Ben."Yoh said as he began eating the indian,

"So do you know if its a girl or boy" Yolei asked Hilary, as the others ate

"It's a girl, and we were thinking of naming her Yolei Arella Rose Wilson you ?" Hilary asked

"It's a girl as well and we're gonna name her, Hilary Anna Kahlen Takashi" Yolei replied and with that they began talking about baby clothes and what pre school they were sending them to and various other motherly things. ben walked up to the titans and said softly,

"I think you should leave now, theres no reason for you to stay." the titans nodded and left the house quietly, when they were outside beastboy and Starfire headed towards the car both miserable, Robin turned to Cyborg and said queitly tears running down his face again.

"I never bothered to get to know her Cy, i turned her away when she needed help."

"We all did man, " Cyborg said his voice pain filled "and look what happened"

"I never got the chance to tell her i loved her Cy and now it's to late." He said tears falling harder now.

"i'm sorry Rob, c'mon let's go home" Cyborg said downheartedly.

**Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh, and I rush to the start **

Running in circles  
Chasing tails  
Coming back as we are

Robin woke up sweating and panting, he looked at his alarm clock, which told him it was 6 am.It was just a dream he thought to himself, a vivid horrible dream, he got up and got dressed in his usual costume, he knew what he had to do he was gong to ask Raven out the dream had made him realise that in all probability, if he didn't ask her someone else would. He then remembered who it was in the dream and chuckled to himself as he headed towards the kitchen Slade yeah right. He saw Raven making her usual Jasmine tea and sidled up to her.

"umm hey Rae i was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me sometime?" He asked waiting for her answer.

I'd like that Robin " She said as she turned to face him. with her tea.

"How about a movie tonight at seven " He suggested. Raven nodded and smiled, before leaning in and...

Robin sat bot upright in bed, and as he allowed himself to fall back he reminded himself it was a dream and that she was really gone and he couldn't do a single thing about it. Tears fell down his face as he rembered all the times they'd spent togrther just hanging, he had lost the one person who had understood him and who he had loved, the tears continued falling as he drifted off again into sleep as the news readers voice faded,

"In other news, Hilary Wilson has just given birth to a girl who they've named Yolei Arella Rose Wilson,..."

**Nobody said it was easy  
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard **

I'm going back to the start...

**Fini**

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Please review this story, it would men a lot to me and the little voices.


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